Sunday, November 29, 2009
La Catastrophe
Wading through some mud of real-world issues, the passion to create is pretty sluggish. I cannot wait to get over it.
I don't like having to deal regularly with parent issues at 23. They somehow made themselves the boss of my business. Accepting kind gifts from parents have these dangerous hidden strings that grow mouths over time and snap at you with teeny sharp fangs like glass on a layang-layang string.
I found someone I could give my heart to. But I'm being rational and that means maybe not. I had to let him go just as I had him.
Suddenly the stories of good girls winning, prevailing, living in this lifetime without being a weak joke or polarised identity, are coming to surface in convincing forms. Adriana Lima. Sisterhood of the travelling pants. A Liv Tyler movie. Some girl. And something some guy said. It adds some weight to my brow. How come I never heard these before? Or was I not listening? I feel a bit dumb.
The house begins more and more to feel like entrapment. I watch movies all day and yearn for a friend to give a shit. To be called by someone whom I want to be called by. For a pointless conversation that lasts hours. For giggles on the phone. For secrets. For trust.
I depend on people far away who could forget me just as easily as I forget to take my vitamins. I've felt betrayal in a myriad of forms. It's experience I don't want. N it sucks light from me like I really don't want it to.
Some days I feel like I'm no good at all the things I am good at.
Why me, when they mock me?
Why not me, when they pick her instead?
I don't like having to deal regularly with parent issues at 23. They somehow made themselves the boss of my business. Accepting kind gifts from parents have these dangerous hidden strings that grow mouths over time and snap at you with teeny sharp fangs like glass on a layang-layang string.
I found someone I could give my heart to. But I'm being rational and that means maybe not. I had to let him go just as I had him.
Suddenly the stories of good girls winning, prevailing, living in this lifetime without being a weak joke or polarised identity, are coming to surface in convincing forms. Adriana Lima. Sisterhood of the travelling pants. A Liv Tyler movie. Some girl. And something some guy said. It adds some weight to my brow. How come I never heard these before? Or was I not listening? I feel a bit dumb.
The house begins more and more to feel like entrapment. I watch movies all day and yearn for a friend to give a shit. To be called by someone whom I want to be called by. For a pointless conversation that lasts hours. For giggles on the phone. For secrets. For trust.
I depend on people far away who could forget me just as easily as I forget to take my vitamins. I've felt betrayal in a myriad of forms. It's experience I don't want. N it sucks light from me like I really don't want it to.
Some days I feel like I'm no good at all the things I am good at.
Why me, when they mock me?
Why not me, when they pick her instead?